Holmes!!

Battles

It’s been awhile since I have actually blogged. I hit a rough couple of days last week and made the promise that I would talk to Brie more instead of posting on here. I’ve been telling her everything lately and I really enjoy it. I’m not use to telling someone all my thoughts and feelings, I’ve never had someone to do that with. I just Brie wasn’t going through everything that she is. It has been so tough on her and you can tell the toll that it has taken on her face. She smiles less lately and I hate that. I’ve been trying all I can to make her smile, she is so beautiful when she does. When Brie smiles it’s like there is an angel in front of me, I’ve truly been blessed.

Brie’s ex-boyfriend has been a real pain in the ass lately. The other day I got so fed up with his shit that I sent him a message. I’m tired of him hurting Brie. I understand that he is hurt but being an asshole doesn’t change things. He has a blog that he posts on and I have yet to see a nice post about me. Every time it is always my fault that things are the way that they are, that I’m pressing Brie into doing things, that I hurt him when I tell him to back off. Sam doesn’t realize that what is happening he has brought on himself. If he had just acted more reasonably then I would be kewl with him. I know that I am very protective of Brie, but I just don’t want to see her hurt or in pain. I hope Brie understands that. She has never really said how she feels about me acting the way I do towards him, but I trust that if she didn’t like it she would say something.

I love Brie so much and I see such a bright future with her. I’ve got the perfect ring picked out for her, the perfect proposal… I hope it all works out. We may be young, but I know that she is the one for me. I wish our families would see that… I wish the world would see that.

I love you Brie so much baby. You are my heart and soul, my dreams and reality, you are my night and day. You are my past, present, and future.

Lost

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I had the answers to all the questions that continue to surround me. I wish people could see me. 

Today has just been an all around terrible day. I feel like my world is caving in and there is nothing that I can do about it. Brie’s ex is still not backing down and now he knows she is in Concord, which is not far from where he is. Brie’s family is still not accepting of the current situation we are in and still love to judge me. In their eyes I am a complete fair, not good enough for Brie, and pretty much a fling for the moment. I feel 2 inches tall because of them, someone who has never been given a chance. I told Brie I wouldn’t give up but that is all that I want to do. My family and I are at each other’s ends. Mom and I are butting heads like usual and I feel like a failure. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been thinking about leaving, not sure where I would go but I’d go somewhere. I guess there is nowhere that I am accepted. Not even in my own mind. I know that I am a failure, always have been and always will be.

I just want to give up, but it’s not my character to just give up. I have always been taught to fight. What happens when you doubt the fight that you have left in you? I know that Brie is probably going to get mad about this post because I haven’t said anything to her about it, but she’s already got enough on her plate. I have to be strong for her, she can’t know that I am falling apart. I’m going to smile for her, she needs the strength and the hope that things will work out. She needs me… 

Curve Ball

I wish I had the right words to start this blog. I really don’t have the words because just when things start getting good a curve ball is thrown my way. Just when you think you may get a break it changes in a blink of an eye.

Things are going great between Brie and I. It seems like we are more in love then ever before and I love it. I have my best friend in my life and that is all I could truly ask for. We have had our bumps but overall things have been good. We just celebrated 2 months together and are now looking forward to many more together. Brie and I have been through a ton of emotions lately that if you were to document it I could promise you a true show. I love the girl to death, she’s my everything and through all the drama and pain she has always been there for me.

In other news, I have been offered two internship opportunities at school which is amazing. One of the coaches knows me extremely well and the other coach wants to meet with me some time soon. Right now I am in the process of figuring out the pros and cons of each position. Once I meet with the other coach I will have a better idea of what position I am going to take. I’m extremely happy that one of my dreams is coming true. I am getting a chance to work in Carolina athletics. WOW!

Strength

It’s amazing what a few hours can do to you. I went from having no hope to having all the hope in the world. Brie helped bring me back to life, she picked me up when I was ready to quit. Earlier she wrote in her diary and let me read it. Her words hit a cord with me, just like me she wanted me to see the world. She wanted there to be nothing between us. I’ve loved before but I have never truly been in love until Brie. Everything means so much more with her in my life, everything seems easier to deal with. I’m not going to lie, I still have my days, kinda of like the other day. My parents made me feel so small, it hurt, but then Brie made me realize that my life is not worth ending especially because it will also take hers. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want her family to get to know me. I want them to see how much I love Brie and how much I care about her. 2 months ago I would have never said this, I was afraid that I would lose her. Now I don’t worry about that because I know that no matter what happens Brie and I will be just fine. I know that Brie wants to have her parents in her life, she wants us to spend holidays together, but none of that is possible until her parents accept our relationship and allow me in their home. Neither have yet to happen, but we are working on it.

When a lot of people meet me and find out that I am a lesbian they start to have their own judgment of me. Many think that I do not accept of God or that I am just going through a phase. First it is just a phase then it is a really long phase because I have been attracted to only girls for 6 years now. I don’t think that qualifies as a phase. Second, if I didn’t accept God then I would be a lot more depressed than I am right now. When I was 11 years old my parents were in a horrible head on car collision. My parents took a lot of damage all because an 18 year old drunk driver crossed the double yellow line and hit the car my parents were in head on. During the time that my mom spent in the hospital and we struggled to make ends meet I doubted God. I couldn’t understand why my family deserved what they were living through. It was while reading my Bible that I found the answer I was looking for. My family didn’t do anything wrong, we were simply given an obstacle in our lives that we were to eventually overcome. That wasn’t the first nor the last time that an obstacle was placed in front of me. At 8 years old my basketball mentor was killed, Linda Shoults was cut from my life at 8. The little Leprechaun was broken but I wasn’t unable to be fixed. Kelli helped me get back on my feet. In 2003 my grandfather was taken from me, he was too young. Grandpa died right before Christmas… the holiday that he loved the most. I’ve never loved Christmas as much… it’s not the same without him.

I’ve had more obstacles placed in my life than most people my age. I’ve suffered through deaths, evictions, car repossessions, sexual assault and heartbreak. However, I am still standing here pretty strong and that is all because I believe that God has a plan for me. He knows that I am supposed to do great things in this world. There are so many things I can do to repay those that have always been there for me and I plan to do so. God has always been there by my side and when I felt like I couldn’t go on any longer, God lifted me up and carried me until I could walk beside him again. Just because I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God.

I hope Brie’s family decides to give me a chance, maybe then they will realize what kind of person I am. Maybe then they will realize that I can and will always take care of Brie no matter what. Maybe then they will see my character instead of my sexuality. Maybe… 

Pain

Life goes on… that’s what they all tell you. What they don’t realize is that life doesn’t go on, at least not the one you used to live. It’s hard to not think about the pain that you suffered through, it’s hard to not see their face when you sleep, it’s hard not to feel them violate you when you are with someone else.  I know that it is almost 2 years since I was sexually assaulted but life hasn’t gone on. There are so many things that I honestly haven’t gotten over and some times I feel like I never will. Last night Brie and I were watching “Boys Don’t Cry” and I was doing good until it started nearing the end. One scene set me completely off, it was like reliving my assault all over again and it put me back to where I pretty much started. I didn’t want Brie to touch me, in my mind I didn’t even want her to look at me, but I couldn’t tell her that. I have yet to recover. I want so bad to go back to where we got to, but I am so scared. 

Everyone tells me that I shouldn’t let him control me, that I need to live my life, easier said than done.  When you have been sexually assaulted it’s not something that you just get over and act as nothing happened. I never expected to be assaulted, never expected my life to be turned upside down, I never expected for me to die only for a new me to be born. There is no acting like it never happened because no matter what it doesn’t change that it did happen. I’m not going to deny that I was sexually assaulted because my assault only made me stronger. I know that right now it’s tough but things are going to get better. That’s what Brie tells me all the time and I believe her. Brie also says she is always going to be there for me, that we are always going to be together… I have to believe. I love her and can’t thank her enough for all the support she has given me. She’s been my rock through all of this. Without her by my side I know that I will fall and there won’t be any getting up. She’s always there to catch me, I can only hope that I can do the same for her.

Book Cover

Remember that saying that the adults constantly drilled into your head… don’t judge a book by its cover? It’s funny reciting that phrase because while the parents preached it to us kids, they did the exact opposite. They made their judgments of the people we hung out with, who we dated, the life we wanted to lead. In all their judging never once did we hear them ask us if we were happy. 

Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if we could just wear a shirt that tells everyone our life story on the front and on the back have a list of all our characteristics. Even then they would judge us. There is always something that someone finds wrong with us, something that they can dictate who we are as a human being. Why not take the time to actually get to know the person? Or is that just another waste of your time?

I’ve always been taught that when you love someone that you do anything for them. There is no need to ask the other person, you just do it. My daddy taught me right… thanks daddy. When Brie and I started dating I promised to myself that whenever it is possible I was going to make sure that she didn’t have to do anything. I was bound and determined to take care of Brie, give her the best life because she deserves it. She’s always taking care of me and now it is my turn to take care of her. I thought I had been doing a pretty damn good job of it too until today. Like always her mom finds a way to make me feel so small. My family loves Brie so there is no need to worry about anything here, but her mom has already judged us. Brie’s mom has never met me or my family and yet she can still all the way up there and make a judgment of my family. Unlike her, we are taking damn good care of Brie. Not just with money either, we support Brie in all her decisions. She knows that we will always have her back no matter what. My entire family sees how happy she makes me and that’s something I haven’t been in so long. I wish Brie’s mom could just cut her shit and get off her high horse. I honestly don’t care if she’s my family now that I am dating Brie. Just because you are related by blood doesn’t mean you are family. Family takes care of one another, family supports one another, family is always there for you no matter what even if you don’t agree with them. 

I love Brie with all my heart and I hate watching what her family is doing to her. She deserves so much more than what she is getting right now. I wish I had the ability to take care of Brie without her having to do a thing. Unfortunately being in college just doesn’t allow that. However, next year I plan on proposing to Brie… I want to be able to do it the right way though. I want to go to her father and brother and ask them for their permission to take her hand. Brie is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with, she’s the one I want to build my family with, she’s the one that I want right next to me when it’s time to exit this world. I want to leave before she does because then I can wait for her at Heaven’s gate… I refuse to go in without her. But at the same time I don’t want to lose her right in front of my eyes so I ask to go first. I will always wait for Brie…. always.

I wish her mom knew all of this. I wish she could see my true character. I wish she could see how happy Brie is….

Dreams

I’ve always had the dream of making it big in this world. There are times when I still have that dream, but there are days when that dream seems so far away. I wish I could say that I always keep faith even when times are tough, but in all honesty I can’t.

When I was younger I dreamed of being this amazing point guard playing for Carolina. Instead I sit here writing a blog as just a normal student who is now entering their senior year at Carolina without ever having dribbled a basketball while wearing a Carolina jersey. When I leave UNC I won’t be one of those greats that I have always dreamed about. Instead I leave UNC I will just fall into the real world just like everyone else as the world goes on and no one ever sees Ashley Holmes.

When I was a little girl I dreamed of meeting the perfect boy who would propose to me so unique that all the girls around would be so jealous. We were going to have the most beautiful wedding, I was a stunning bride and after we get married we would spend the rest of our lives watching our 3 little blonde hair, blue eyed girls grow up. How wrong I was about that dream. There will never be a perfect boy who would have the most unique proposal and we’d watch our 3 little girls grow up. But, that’s a dream that I’m glad never worked out. I don’t want that perfect boy, instead I want to be that perfect “boy” to my girl. I have this girl by my side that makes me feel like I can do anything. I am Superman as long as I have her and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Brie makes me feel like I am someone, that I have a reason for being here, that I am everything to someone. I’m pretty sure she is already tired of me saying that we should run off and get married. She’s wanting the perfect wedding… you know the one you read in the magazines that no one can even come close to. But if that’s what she wants then I will jump through rings of fire for it. She deserves the most perfect wedding especially after putting up with my ass all this time. We have been talking a lot lately about raising a family. She’s going to be such an amazing mom… you should see her with Lexi. Brie is always telling me that I am going to be a great mom, especially after she watches me and how I interact with Lexi. Sometimes I doubt her… I’m scared that I will never measure up for my kids. What if they hate me? What if I pass on my diabetes? I would feel like the worst mother in the world if that were to happen. I’ve suffered since I was 3 years old with the disease. My child doesn’t need to know the pain that has come from it physically and emotionally. 

God, it seems like I am just rambling on about completely nothing. I mean honestly, who actually reads these posts except Brie. And the only reason she reads them is to know what I am thinking. I’m so use to keeping all my thoughts to myself, life just seems so much easier when there are less people who truly know me. I know Brie doesn’t think that I trust her with telling her things, but it’s just that every time I have let someone in to find the real me I’ve been left sitting in the dust broken. Broken hearts are so hard to fix and I don’t think I can fix them anymore. My heart is covered in scars, I tear easily… that’s why I keep to myself. I’ve fallen so many times already and I’m not skinning my knees anymore. 

Dreams used to be what got me through my day… now they seem like my demise. Why dream? We need to live in the real world and in the real world the good guys never finish first. Story of my life right there…